The Feet of God

104 - HOT & BOTHERED

We got off the highway for a dirt access road.  A sign at the side said:

CRUZ & KARTONE FRUIT & PRODUCE

The truck bounced across troughs and ditches and we passed a lot of orange groves along the way.  Off in the distance, down different rows of trees I could see other trucks, big trucks, filled with oranges and people all doing stuff I couldn’t quite make out.

“Wow, this is a pretty big spread.”  I was impressed with the scope of the operations.  “Your granddaddy must be a rich man.”

Hector shrugged and smiled, “Si.”

Esteban smiled, “Padrino worked for thee goverment.”

“That so?  He must’a been pretty important to afford all this.”

Esteban pulled out a perfecto and lit it.  Between puffs on the cigar he explained, “Padrino was close to thee Americanos who ran Havana.  CIA, prostitutes, mafia.  Thee usual.  Ju know?  He cashed hees weenings an loaded a boat with Yankee dollars an some familee for a long vacaciones in Miami Beach.”

“Wow.  Pretty amazing.  The struggle of poor boat people coming to a new country try’n to make their way.  You immigrants can be real proud of yourselves.”

Hector stuck his head out the window and shouted, “Siiiii!  Poor brown peeples who struggle to breathe thee free air!”

Esteban yelled out, “Libertad!”

Both brothers broke out laughin’ again.

I sat quiet, a little confused.

Now we passed huge flat fields of green.  Here I could see hundreds and hundreds of people bent over, and dozens of trucks slowly moving along dirt roads near invisible from where we drove.

“What are you growing out there?” I inquired.

Hector laughed while getting elbowed by Esteban.

I just ignored their antics.  It was hot as hell and I was sweating like a pig.  The humidity didn’t help, neither.

I informed the brothers I needed to take a leak, and they obligingly pulled over.  I disappeared into the vines and bushes by the side of the road to heed nature’s call.  A few yards into the foliage I found an adequate rock for the purpose and begun to piss away.  Everything was fine till that damn rock started moving.  Scared the hell outta me.  What the fuck.

Turns out, the rock wasn’t a rock at all, but some sorta turtle or tortoise, or whatever, I’m not sure.  But it didn’t seem too pleased to get peed on.  I jumped back but then caught my leg in some tangled roots or undergrowth, or something, and lost my balance.  I tipped over, and I rolled backwards down a steep incline, dick out, pissing all over creation.  I came to a flat stop on a muddy patch.

That’s when things got bad.

I was deposited on a hole where there was a nest of hornets.  And they wasn’t pleased about it.  The fuckers swarmed like crazed kamikazes with their relentless stings.  Obviously, I had to make a move.  Fast.  So I pitched and rolled down the embankment to get away.  I picked up momentum until I ended up splashing down in some sorta wide irrigation ditch or canal, and I swam underwater to escape them stinging insects.  With my superior human intellect, I figured they wasn’t smart enough to guess when or where I was gonna surface.

I swam as far as I could holding my breath.  Then I came up for a gulp of air.  No attacking hornets was around to torment me further, so I figured I was safe for the time being.  I dogpaddled straightaway to the shoreline, feeling every sting I suffered.

Boy howdy!  As I pulled myself from the water, I found myself mano-a-mano with the biggest damn snake you ever did see.  Just as I feared things was about to get worse, Lady Luck showered mercy on me.  That snake didn’t budge, at all.  So I quickly scooted by and begun my ascent up the slippery slope back to the road where I came from.

It was no easy climb either, lemme tellya, especially when ya get to be about my age.  Wet dirt and creepers and all sorts of trailing plants presented a particular challenge.  My skin was already swelled up an angry purple and red.  But I was determined to make it, and dammit, I did.

After all I been through simply trying to relieve myself, I was in for another rude surprise.  My ride was gone!  What the fuck?  Assholes.

As mad as I was being abandoned by Hector and Esteban like that, my greater concern was the swelling in my hands and arms.  Interestingly, I also got stung on the back of my neck and all that did was form a bump, itchy and burning, but just a bump.  If my neck had swollen the way my hands and arms did, I’d be DOA on my way to the emergency room by now.  As if immediate medical attention was a remote possibility.

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