The Feet of God

96 - MORE GOOD ADVICE

My eyes begun to droop.  I couldn’t remember when I last had a really good night’s shuteye.  As I faded I thought of my lap-dancing sister back at The Stardust Lounge.  My body jerked and my eyes shot open.  That was a mistake.  I didn’t know.  As soon as I found out Baby Harmonica was really a blood-relation I went straight to her, and I wanted more’n anything to tell her who I really was, except we got drunk at the Bark ’n Bowl in Bakersfield, and then she went out and completely disappeared on me.

Eyes…droopin’ again…so tired…almost too tired to fall asleep.  I hate it when you’re still half-conscious but seeing images before your eyes, not hallucinating, but not exactly dreaming either.  Damn, then I noticed everyone started showing up….

Little Billy jumped around and displayed his disturbing habit of appearing naked again, peeing on the ground where exotic plants and shrubs burst out all over, and flowers blossomed in the pitch of night.

The large presence of Hippie Mary came into view.  “Hey Mary, what are you doin’ here?”  I was happy to see my old neighbor from Broken Heart Park.  Hippie Mary loomed large there while I noticed her old man, Chet Baker, standing behind her in the shadows.

“Dude,” she laughed, as Little Billy scampered up and started pointing in his especially persistent way.  Hippie Mary cuffed him.  “Put that away before you poke someone’s eye out.”  She laughed again.  Then she turned her attention to me.  “So what’s the deal?  Why’re you passed out here on the road to nowhere?”

Sometimes Hippie Mary could be too direct, and her attitude didn’t sit with me too well.  “Welllll, excuse me Mary, but who are you to bust in on a few minutes of restful sleep and start bossing me around?  I don’t even believe you’re real, anyhow.  Hey look!  Chet just turned into a Christmas tree!”

Hippie Mary squeezed a bulb ornament.  “Stop fooling around, Chet, we’re here to do a job.”  She turned and faced me, “You’ve had some adventures, and you’ve met some people along the way.  And they’ve changed your life and you’ve changed theirs…well, the survivors, anyway.  But you still have a ways to go.”  She looked around and turned to the Christmas tree.  “Chet, you got any idea where we are?”

He melted into the ground.

Hippie Mary stared down at the puddle around her feet.  “Anyhoo, wherever the hell we are, you’re not supposed to be sitting on your fat ass wasting time.  Get up and get moving.”

Little Billy pointed out the way.

“Destiny awaits you in Florida,” Hippie Mary intoned.  She laughed and begun to spin around like a dancing hippopotamus singing, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home….”

For a dream, Hippie Mary was one talkative bitch.  “I repeat, Mary, you are a figment of my imagination, maybe delirium.  But you ain’t real, and ya ain’t particularly original either.  So shove-off.  I’m resting now.  Go imaginarily fuck yourself.”

She hovered over me, and I smelled patchouli on her breath.  “Oh, not real, huh?  If I’m not real how could I do this?”  She smacked me in the forehead and I fell backwards onto the ground.  From my horizontal perspective I noticed the sky was alight with red and yellow flashing lights.

Then I peered into my own reflection in the familiar mirrored sunglasses of Sheriff Al, his face pushed right up against mine.  Wait!  This can’t be right.  Sheriff Al is dead.

I felt a whack to the sole of my foot without the sneaker.  I was jolted awake.  And I saw the state trooper from back at Tiberius’ place standing over me and looking down.

“Hullo thar,” he fondled his nightstick.  (Why was he still wearing sunglasses at night, I wondered?)

“Good evening, officer,” I struggled to stand up.

“Where’s your friend?”

“Oh, Tiberius and him took off for some night fishin’.”

“You decided to forego the four-star treatment?”

“I thought I’d try and hitch a ride on my way to Florida.  But with no ride in sight and sore feet and all, I guess I sorta drifted off by the road.”

His smile constricted.  “I’d give you a ride to the state line, but it’s against regulations.  So I’ll just leave you with one piece of advice, sir.  Don’t let me catch you hereabouts when the sun rises.”

I’ve heeded this advice before.

“Got it?”

“Got it.”

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