The Feet of God

45 - IMAGINE MY SURPRISE Freddy drove over to North Loup and parked the bus by The Loup de Loup Bar & Grille where we was scheduled to play that night.   Me and Bobby unloaded everything and hooked up all the equipment for the evening’s performance while the others lounged about the dining area.   After finishing our work, we joined the rest of the family to scarf down gratuitous chilidogs and draft beer served by the management. Six beers later, and a gut full of chilidogs, I wandered back to the bus for a little siesta before showtime.   But before dozing off I took the opportunity to dig through the piles of costumes and props for spare change.   If I could get my hands on another Lucky $20 I’d walk away from my roadie job right then and there.   I mean, I’d been working my tail off for the family all this time and got nothing to show for it.   Okay, maybe I didn’t spend any money, but I didn’t make none either.   In fact, I was still in the...

46 - IT ALL CAME OUT IN THE WASH While a disgruntled ex-employee of The Cowridge Clan might be stalking them, this employee on “The Intimate Venue Tour” was thinking things was look’n up.   I mean, a hot shower and a comfortable bed in a legitimate motel?   Aside from a paycheck, what more could a dirty roadie ask?   I was excited as we crossed into the city limits of Elba a little past eight in the morning, and I could make out the sign of the Monett 4 Motel beckoning through overhead telephone wires and power lines.   But Freddy’s attention caught on something else, and he whipped the tour bus around in another direction. Flashing his ol’ skyward thumb he shouted, “Hey, gang, are we lucky or what?”   The fabled digit was now pointed at a different sign, The Lucky Load Laundromat.   No sooner did we screech to a stop next to the Lucky Load than Freddy stood up and began disrobing.   “We got piles of laundry to do.   You bet!” Before I reali...

47 - ONE OF THOSE DAYS It wasn’t Valentine’s Day, actually, but I knew what Mom meant. As she lazed and lolled on the twin bed, stretching her arms, her various folds of voluptuous fat jiggled in some sorta self-induced ecstasy. “I got the wash and fold done,” I rolled the cart of freshly laundered costumes into the room. “Come to Mamma,” she waved at me.   As I rolled past her bed, Mom yanked the sheet up to her nose.   “Oh, you smelly little roadie.” I took this as an invitation to use the lavatory and go wash myself.   I couldn’t get into that bathroom fast enough, tearing off my clothes as I went.   I looked forward to a long shower in luxurious solitude away from everything Cowridge. “Don’t you come back until you’re squeaky everywhere, because Mamma likes to travel.” The small bathroom had ugly broken tiles and a stained linoleum floor.   The ceiling was webbed with cracks and seeping orange spots.   It was all steamed up when I entered,...

48 - WHAT NEXT? I escaped the Monett 4 Motel as bare-ass naked as the day I was born.   I kept low to the ground and hurried along as fast as I could to the painted bus.   Police cars was pulling up fast with sirens blaring, and gawkers was starting to gather and mill about outside.   But I had places to go and people to avoid. I climbed aboard the bus and rummaged through the remnants of dirty unwashed clothes in search of a passable traveling wardrobe.   I discovered an unopened box of Mom’s Soakies undergarments and I unwrapped a fresh pair.   Then I tried to find some pants.   Bobby’s bellbottoms was too short, Freddy’s too tight, Cherrie’s was all crotchless (how had I missed that?), but Buffy’s fit just about right.   Next, I grabbed me one of them souvenir “ YOU BET!” T-shirts, and this one wasn’t gonna cost me nothing since I’d earned the sucker.   I tried on Freddy’s studded dude boots and, lucky for me, we had the same size feet. ...

49 - IT WAS AN EXPERIENCE I thanked the gals for giving me a ride, and as the Escort drove away I waved them good-by with my two thumbs straight up. I was dropped off right in front of a Mal-Mart store, that bright and glistening temple to consumer bliss, but truth is, I was feeling a little hesitant to go in.   Not because I was embarrassed for cash, which is the usual reason.   I was loaded.   I wasn’t exactly sure how the local townsfolk might take to my predicament.   I mean, here I was, all decked out in purple stretch pants that was stretched in places where I could not possibly fill them, and snug in places where I’d prefer they wasn’t.   I had on a fake rabbit fur coat reeking of low priced perfume, while underneath I was wearing a snug pink T-shirt, and to complete the ensemble, I was accessorized with matching pink Sketchers. I figured if I was gonna look like some cross-dressing Nebraska farmer, hell, I was gonna look like that whether I was ins...

50 - I SHOWED ‘EM THE MONEY The store cop took me by the arm and escorted me toward the front.   We stopped by a door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY and he asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have any money on you now, would you?” “Sure do, officer.”  I reached into the pocket of my pastel stretch pants and hauled out a wad of bills. He turned to the zit-faced boy in a smock following us.  “Now ya see, Walter, all ya have to do is ask the nice customer if he’s intending to pay for the items he’s stashed away, and nine times out of ten, he’ll do the right thing and pay up.” I stepped back and opened my eyes wide.   “Well sure I was gonna pay for all this stuff.   I just needed to see if it would fit into the backpack, like I told you, that’s all.” The store cop smiled, “I knew it all along.   So we won’t need to take you into the back room and go through your pants or under your shirt, now, will we?” “Not at all,” I assured him.   “Here, take a look.” ...

51 - THE YOUNG DUDES I squinted into the high-beam headlights of the car as it cruised to a halt in front of me.   The passenger door opened and a shady outline stood up.   “Hey, dude, what are you doin’ here?”   The voice was young and male. “Takin’ a leak,” I lied. “You homeless?” the voice asked. “Got a home in Bakersfield.   I’m just hitching my way to Florida to visit my sick mom.   She’s retired out there, and I thought I’d see her in time for Mother’s Day.”   (So what if I lied some more?   What kind of scum would hassle a guy taking a piss who was planning to go see his own ill mother?) The shadowy form ducked down in the car and I could hear other voices peep and mutter.   The night breeze picked up and carried over the distinct fragrance of mamma’s cookin’, and I mean primo stuff, not that skunky shit most young guys carry.   I felt a twinge of envy.   I shielded my eyes from the lights.   The shadow stood up aga...

52 - IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK A few cans of PBR and a couple’a hits of weed while travellin’ the backroads in a car loaded with teenage dudes brought back lazy hazy memories of my own dudehood.   The guys cranked up the volume on the radio as loud as she’d go, and we rocked out to some of the same classics I caught a buzz to back in the day. I took another hit off the pipe listening to Bad Company.   “Where’d you guys score this shit?”   I tried hard not to cough while talk’n mid-toke. The driver scanned me in the rear view mirror.   “The old man owns a farm and things got bad a few years back and the bank was gonna foreclose.   A cousin said he should grow some grass with his cornstalks and make some serious money.   Now about every five yards of corn he plants some weed.   He’s got a hundred acres of corn so you can do the math.”   The car swerved as the driver arm-punched his front seat companion, “We cut into the profits a little.”  ...

53 - LOOKIN’ FOR A LITTLE FUN We finally made it to The Moose Knuckle.   The dudes and me staked out a table with a nice view of the mostly empty bar, and I ordered our first round. I knocked back the shot of Old Methuselah and shook my head as the single malt scotch whisky burned a trail of fire down my gullet.   My shoulders shivered in pleasure and a long “Argghhh” escaped my lips in pure satisfaction.   I opened my eyes to find four boys struggling to keep their shots down, and making the funniest faces I’d seen in a long time.   They was all bent over with watery bloodshot eyes. I shared some fatherly advice, “The first one goes down like cat piss and fertilizer, but the next one will go down like liquid rubies.  Trust me.”   I smiled. I gotta hand it to the dudes, they raised their empty glasses for more.   Our waitress, Carmella, brought fresh shots all around.   The dudes still showed a trace of trepidation, but I encouraged them ...

54 - GOTTA DANCE Carmella came around again, but this time I asked her for a Miller Genuine Draft instead of another Old Methuselah.   All the dudes opted for PBR, which I guess is their $2 canned beverage of choice. Our conversation turned to chicks (no surprise there) and the four boys expressed their obvious desire to make the acquaintance of the three babes seated nearby.   I told them I was a lady’s man from way back (which might be true, or it might be the alcohol talking, who knows?), and I offered ‘em some advice.   “Now you see,” I hunched down and lowered my voice like we was in on somethin’ hush-hush, “to get to know the young ladies, you should earn their confidence by approaching the older ones first.” “You’re outta your freakin’ mind,” a dude sneered with slitted eyes. “Hey, trust me.   All ya gotta do is go over to those nice older ladies sitting over there with the gay guy.   Ask ‘em if they’d like to dance.   They’re women.   A...

55 - BOIZ & LIKKER With the floor show of marital discord seemingly over, I turned back to the lanky stranger.   “Where was we…?” He stroked the stubble on his chin.   “I was tellin’ you I’m headed to Tennessee.   I got a plane.   Gonna fly out to Bible Hill, between Lexington and the river.   I gotta make a couple of stops along the way, though, for business reasons, y’understand.”   His jade eyes lit up and his golden face glowed.   “But I wouldn’t mind some company.” “Hell yeah,” I agreed.   “I love flying in the air where the wind blows free.” My pilot friend looked down at his drink and then into my eyes, “Ain’t exactly free, ya see.   Gonna need some gas money.   How’s fifty bucks sound?” I reached into my pocket and pulled out what cash I had left.   Seventy dollars.   That’d cover plane fare and leave me a lucky $20 to get me away from Bible Hill.   Just as I handed over the money there arose another ...

56 - A FRENCH LEAVE “Ready to go?” I asked my new friend. “ Mais, oui . ” “May we what?” He explained, “Oh, it is just a little French.   I speak the language from time to time.   I am originally from near Baton Rouge in Louisiana.   Mostly Cajun and a little French- Créole mix.”    He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes.   “Let’s go.” I turned and headed over to the vomiting driver with the bloody nose.   “Hey, dude, I’m leaving now and I gotta get my shit outta your car.   Gimme the keys.” Without looking up from the ground the boy reached in his pocket and tossed me the car keys.   But a tanned hand reached out and snatched them before I could.   Olive green eyes fixated on me.   “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.” “Huh?” “We need a ride to the airport,” he casually shrugged.  “So I am simply borrowing their automobile for the moment.   I am the designated driver.” The injured boy crawled ...

57 - AND AWAY WE WENT Hell, I’ve siphoned gas before, who hasn’t?   But I’ll admit, it’s been awhile.   I mistakenly over-sucked to get the job done and spit out a mouthful of fuel.   As I hacked and coughed, Yeller Tom continued streaming gas into the can. Once I could speak again I asked, “How come you’re called Yeller Tom?   That’s sorta unusual for a name.” “ Maman tells me mon père was named Thomas, and that he wanted to name me en l’honneur de mon grand-père who was also named Thomas.   So that’s the Tom part.   When mon grand-père saw me, he told maman , ‘Sure ‘nuff’s a yeller.   Looks like we got another Yeller Tom in the family.’   The name stuck.” I commented, “My mother said I was something of a yeller when I was born, too.” He didn’t respond. The last drops of fuel begun to dribble off the end of the hose, then Yeller Tom gave it a shake and he walked toward his little blue biplane.   After screwing a nozzle onto t...

58 - WORDS TO LIVE BY So tired…so cold…my ears was about froze off.   I reached around in my seat to see if there was a hat or a helmet or something.   Behind the seat I found only an oily piece of cloth just about the right size to wrap around my head, and just thick enough to muffle the noise of the engine and help block the wind. I dropped my chin to my chest.   My eyes closed…. Where am I?   Who are all these people?   Where are we going? “We’re going to see her, you fool,” a grubby little man pushed past me.   “Come on.” A dirty, ragged young female elbowed me, “She is the Queen of Spirits.” “The Goddess,” another shabby bum rushed by. I was exhausted, but they kept pushing me and pushing me, a huge crowd of filthy, tattered people surging forward on a dirt road.   The sky was dark with thick clouds roiling overhead.   Then a bright forest sprung up right next to the road with tall green trees and blooming fields stretching as f...

59 - RENDEZVOUS The only other airplane I been on had a toilet.   If I knew what I was getting into, maybe I would’a passed on having those last six beers. I hollered up to the captain, “Hey, I gotta piss.” No reaction.   I shouted louder, “I said, I gotta piss.” Yeller Tom turned his head slightly, “What is your wish?” “Piss!”   I tried shoutin’ it in French, “I gotta peeez!” “Oh,” he twisted around in his seat and held out a funnel connected to a length of garden hose.   “You can use this.   An in-flight courtesy.   No charge.” I reached out and grabbed the funnel and hose.   “ Mercy ,” I thanked him in my best parlay-voo. I’ll be damned if I didn’t find a silver dollar-sized hole in the floor of the plane right between my legs, just like truckers use so they don’t gotta stop while traveling down long stretches of highway.   I made all the familiar arrangements and begun my own version of an aerial attack.   After I finished...