The Feet of God

15 - HOT ON THE TRAIL While I hung my head out the window to avoid the exhaust, Bob turned around in the front seat and explained, “Here’s how it works.   We’re going to drop you off just outside the four corners of Gorda Fortuna, and you’ll walk over to the gas station and ask the attendants there where the Remington ranch is.   They know everything that’s going on around these parts, so pump ‘em good for information.” “What’s my cover story?” “Oh, just tell them you’re supposed to help do some carpentry work or wall-painting or something like that, and casually ask for directions.   Got it?” “I think so.” “We’ll be waiting for you down the road, just around the bend outside of town.” I could guess how Bob and Rufus would occupy themselves while I was doing all the hard work.   I got out of the car and they tore off.   Rufus peeled up a buckshot spray of dirt and pebbles in my face.   Fucker. Turns out Gorda Fortuna consisted mainly of a gas ...

16 - HAPPY TRAILS It was a quick trot from the intersection of Fabulous Gorda Fortuna to where Bob and Rufus was waiting.   Much to my surprise they was outside the pink Cadillac and leaned up against the back fender and not splayed about in the backseat.   I figured Rufus to be a quick draw. “Well, according to the locals, they never heard of a Remington place,” I pointed up to a pillar of dust rising above the tree line, “but I figure that might be a clue.” “Yeah, we noticed it, too,” Rufus spoke while we all squinted into the late morning sky.   “Come on, I know an old logging road that goes out that way.”   He opened the driver’s side door and hopped in with Bob while I dashed to let myself in the back.   Rufus revved the engine. We drove out about a half mile or so then dipped down onto an uneven furrowed dirt lane.   Like most logging roads, the roadbed itself was one narrow pathway that’d been worn down into the ground leaving an embankment o...

17 - WELCOME WAGON Rufus hit the ground shouting, “Incoming!” I planted my face in the earth as a light splattering of deer guts sprinkled all around.   A few seconds later a stern voice instructed from somewhere behind, over the crackle and static of walkie-talkies, “On your feet, pronto.” Bob, Rufus and me got back to our feet while brushing off dust and soil and chunks of deer meat.   Four guys in camouflaged military gear confronted us, holding rocket propelled grenade launchers on their shoulders.   “What are you infiltrators doing here?” one of them interrogated. Rufus stepped forward with his hands up in friendly surrender, “My friends and I live nearby, and we just wanted to welcome our new neighbors.   Are you the Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery?” The leader drew his weapon down.   “Didn’t you see the No Trespassing sign?” Bob asked, “Was it next to the No Hunting sign?” “Listen up, the whole reason we came here was to enjoy a little outdoo...

18 - A STAR TURN The Gorda Fortuna Sentinel “That’s News to Us” — Ben Stickler I must admit, I was thrilled about meeting a living legend like filmdom’s superstar Moses Remington.   From his many spaghetti Westerns, wartime sagas and salad oil gladiator epics, including endless late night public service announcements on cable TV, Mr. Remington seems like someone we know very well, like a favorite funny uncle.   Now was my chance to have a personal audience with The Man. That might explain why I was excitedly speeding up the road to his new settlement and home for Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery and Americans Saving Society, driving so fast, in fact, I nearly smashed through the huge log and barbed wire gate. I was flagged down immediately and approached by uniformed sentries who removed me from my car and, after a thorough strip search and deep cavity probe, inquired as to my intentions and purposes for penetrating their encampment.   I assured them I had no inte...

19 - I’VE GOT A SECRET After our capture and release at the hands of the Remington men, me and Bob and Rufus trekked up and over the steep and narrow trails in an oppressive heat to get back to the car we’d left parked by a wide ravine.   Of course we arrived to find our gas tank was siphoned off, and the windshield wipers was bent back, so we kept on walking.   Yet another development that didn’t put me in my happy place. We reached the Seekers’ hideaway long after sunlight gave out.   Rufus pointed me in the direction of a somewhat better accommodation than the underside of a pickup truck: his unused bunk.   I guess he was sharing his assigned sleeping quarters with me because he’d made other arrangements for the evening.   I didn’t really think about my bedding situation too much since I was beat.   While the two lovebirds stole off into the night, I removed my shoes and fell down on top of the sheets underneath his snoring roommate. At daybreak, f...

20 - AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER Ma sang out, “Rufus, dear, your Ma needs another drink.   Be a lamb and come fix her one.” The response from the porch was another heaving retch. “I’ll get you your drink, Ma,” I volunteered, taking my opportunity to slip behind the smoke-mirrored bar.   “Or maybe not.”   I held up the empty bottle for all to see.   “It looks like you’re completely out of booze.” “You have a lot to learn, newbie lamb.”   Ma’s eyes darted toward Bob with silent instructions. “To the bat cave it is,” Bob jumped up and went over to an empty bookcase at the side of the bar.   With a slight push the shelves rolled aside on hidden casters, and Bob disappeared into some sorta secret passageway.   Rufus skulked back into the parlor wiping his lips with the back of a sleeve, as Ma hummed to herself in creepy contentedness.   Soon enough Bob reappeared loaded down with bottles.   A light kick to the bottom of the shelves rolled ever...