The Feet of God

18 - A STAR TURN

The Gorda Fortuna Sentinel
“That’s News to Us”
—Ben Stickler

I must admit, I was thrilled about meeting a living legend like filmdom’s superstar Moses Remington.  From his many spaghetti Westerns, wartime sagas and salad oil gladiator epics, including endless late night public service announcements on cable TV, Mr. Remington seems like someone we know very well, like a favorite funny uncle.  Now was my chance to have a personal audience with The Man.

That might explain why I was excitedly speeding up the road to his new settlement and home for Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery and Americans Saving Society, driving so fast, in fact, I nearly smashed through the huge log and barbed wire gate.

I was flagged down immediately and approached by uniformed sentries who removed me from my car and, after a thorough strip search and deep cavity probe, inquired as to my intentions and purposes for penetrating their encampment.  I assured them I had no intentions of violating their privacy.  As soon as they found the “Sentinel” press card in my pockets they released their grip on my windpipe, thus restoring my breathing and blood circulation, and they brought me up to the field office of the fabled movie star and über-American, Moses Remington.

Let me begin by saying that Moses Remington is every bit what you would expect from one of the giants of the Silver Screen from the last Golden Age of American cinema.  Behind his ornate, expansive desk he graciously welcomed me in and offered me a seat.

BS:  Mr. Remington….

MR:  No.  No.  No.  There’ll be none of that prissy formality here, Phil.  I’m just Moses, plain and simple Moses, to every true, legal, God-fearing Protestant American citizen.

BS:  Okay, Moses.  Let me first welcome you to our community and ask, why have Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery chosen Gorda Fortuna to be their home?

MR:  Well, Fred, I’m glad you asked that.  Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery is a nonprofit organization made up of individuals like myself, who are successful, loyal red-white-and-blue Americans and, Ted, let me tell you, red-white-and-blue Americans are the only colored Americans we care about.  Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery have willingly paid out hard-earned dollars in taxes year-in and year-out, only to find that the efforts of our diligent toil is being squandered on programs and special interests that do not directly benefit us.  We don’t believe this to be the original intent of the Founding Fathers, who, if you’ll remember your history, actually fought a revolution over taxation using the weapons they obtained from free-trading arms dealers, many of whom went on to prominent positions in the government.  And that, Farley, is why, after long consideration and many thousands of dollars paid to tax consultants and lawyers, we have decided to join together to insure that the engine of our precious democracy carries us forward toward our righteous goals, and not off onto the Ventura Highway of liberalism.

BS:  Huh?

MR:  Think about it, Festus.  Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery is a nonprofit organization that we all donate tax-deductible cash to, then we pay ourselves salaries as officers of the organization, and then we donate a chunk of that back as well.  Then we pay businesses we own to provide us with a whole range of services we may or may not need.  Meanwhile, the organization buys land, tents, utility vehicles, and in my case a really nice wine cellar filled with ‘96 Château Martet Bordeaux, plus all the firepower we need.  We take care of the members of Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery, and the members of Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery is us.  It’s really all that simple.

BS:  What about your branch organization?

MR:  Well, Tom, you tell me.  What kind of red-blooded American male can’t get behind Americans Saving Society?

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