The Feet of God

17 - WELCOME WAGON

Rufus hit the ground shouting, “Incoming!”

I planted my face in the earth as a light splattering of deer guts sprinkled all around.  A few seconds later a stern voice instructed from somewhere behind, over the crackle and static of walkie-talkies, “On your feet, pronto.”

Bob, Rufus and me got back to our feet while brushing off dust and soil and chunks of deer meat.  Four guys in camouflaged military gear confronted us, holding rocket propelled grenade launchers on their shoulders.  “What are you infiltrators doing here?” one of them interrogated.

Rufus stepped forward with his hands up in friendly surrender, “My friends and I live nearby, and we just wanted to welcome our new neighbors.  Are you the Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery?”

The leader drew his weapon down.  “Didn’t you see the No Trespassing sign?”

Bob asked, “Was it next to the No Hunting sign?”

“Listen up, the whole reason we came here was to enjoy a little outdoor recreation as free men, like God intended.”  He may have pointed the aim of his grenade-launcher away from us, but he still meant business.  “Let’s move,” he growled and indicated with a quick nod of his head we should follow orders.  “Double-time.”

The heavily armed deer hunters had us completely surrounded, so we moved it double-time.  Hot, sweaty, double-time.  Can’t say I was too pleased with this turn of events.  But I was grateful these guys didn’t mistake us for some innocent critters ripe for massacre.

We traveled a few hundred yards until we came upon the edge of a sheer cliff overlooking a valley.  There was so much action stirring below it resembled an anthill on fire.  The dust we’d seen earlier was rising from the huge walls that was being erected to encircle a tent city that spread out a mile or more in each direction.  Tents far and wide was set up in neat rows along dirt streets crossing between the garrison walls.  Dozens of reserve military vehicles went back and forth hauling equipment, supplies and armed personnel.  And in the center of everything, on top of a mound constructed from huge logs, stood a red, white and blue big-top.

It took us about an hour to descend a tortured path into the valley where all the activity was.  Our escorts saluted guards as they allowed us to pass through the camp base perimeter and make our way to the huge tent.  Once we got there we marched up a flight of steps made from rough-cut timber to reach the entrance to The Great Tent of Moses Remington.  That’s what it said on the marquee.

“Wait here,” the lead captor ordered.  So we waited.  And waited.  When he was good and ready he stuck his head out and barked orders at us, “In here, on the double!”

What we entered was the nicest air-conditioned tent I ever saw.  It was a large office with hardwood floors and beautiful antique furniture.  Florescent lights hung low so you could see everything real good.  Down either side of the room people stood around tables covered with maps and papers piled up and spread out all over.  At the far end was a huge carved desk, and sitting behind it, was Moses Remington himself.

As we approached I thought my eyes was deceiving me.  It seemed like we had a long way to walk but it turned out to be only a few steps away.  Apparently the desk wasn’t so large, it was more like, well, Moses was a really small man.  Looking real close I could see the lights glinting off perspiration that slipped out from under his toupee, and it was obvious that his complexion was more rouge makeup than ruddy.  And as for the legendary blue eyes, well, only one could really be called blue.  There wasn’t nothin’ here of Biblical proportions.  Moses leaned far back in his leather chair, putting both hands firmly on the overstuffed arms in a failed gesture designed to make himself appear larger than life.

“You’re the civilian invaders,” he focused directly at Rufus.  “What have you got to say?”

If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought Rufus snapped right to attention.  “Sir, it is a pleasure to meet with you, sir.  As I explained to your lieutenants, we are neighbors from over the far side of the butte.  We just wanted to meet our new friends, sir, and offer our warmest greetings.”

Moses listened real intent, then turned his good eye toward Bob and me.  All was silent for a few seconds before he bolted upright.  “Why, thank you very much.”  He cracked that renowned craggy smile of his.  “You could have come to our visitor’s center by the front gate, but it’s very impressive your party climbed over those treacherous ridgetops just for a neighborly welcoming.”  He paused and rubbed his eyes.  “You’ll have to excuse me.  I took the red-eye from L.A. last night and just arrived here by Humvee.”  After another pause and a sip of bottled water he turned his attention to Rufus.  “Once we get a bit more settled in, son, we’d like to return the favor and pay a call to your homestead.  For now, please understand that we’re mighty busy, so, if you’ll excuse us, we must get back to work.”

He turned his head to one of the flunkies standing behind his chair.  “Get me the maps.”

Rufus stiffened to attention again.  “Thank you, sir, thank you.  It’s been a pleasure.”

“No, the pleasure’s all mine,” Moses spoke in that deep, honey-toned voice of his.

As we was being ushered out of the big tent we could hear the great man yell out commands.  “Corporal!  Get the engineers on the phone.  I want the air-conditioning fixed in Hummer One immediately.”

A meek voice responded, “But, sir, you ordered an open all-terrain vehicle.  It doesn’t have an A/C unit, sir.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake, man, I’m not asking for miracles.  Just fix it.”