The Feet of God

27 - A NIGHT OF REVELATIONS

Suspicion may be the cynical side of intuition, but I never suspected I’d hear this when I eavesdropped on Rufus and Moses….

“It was a long time ago, dammit.  I may have wandered into some wrongheaded thinking there for a while, but I found my way.  I found my way.  Something happened back then.  It made me see the light.  Anyway, I’ve never looked back or questioned myself ever again…on anything…ever…I know right from wrong…they’re all wrong…we’re right…they’re ruining the country…tax and spend…have to save the world from evil…save my money…where’s my money…it’s my right…shares…cash…mine, I tell you, mine.”

Although I could dimly see them from my hidden vantage, I edged closer to the canvas wall to hear better.

“Lad, I’ve been meaning to have a long talk with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s time you knew the truth.  You see, before you were born, I hired the sweetest little Mexican domestic to spruce up the Beverly Hills house.  What was her name…?  Damn.  Was it Guadalupe …Conchita…Guadalupe Conchita Something?  Or something like that.  Oh, hell, I don’t remember.  Never mind.  As it turned out, she was pretty damn good at sprucing things up and, well….”

“You knocked her up.”

“In a manner of speaking, yes.”

“What happened?”

“Well, I had to let her go, under the circumstances.  But I paid her off, of course.”

“You paid her?”

“It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.  I set her up in Mexico.  She received a very nice stipend from me while she was pregnant, before you were born.”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“You mean?”

“Yes, son.”

“I’m a bastard?”

“Indelicately put, but, yes.”

Rufus started to cry.

“After you were born I had my crazy ex-daughter-in-law take out all the legal paperwork and adopt you, and I promised to support you both, while she raised you as a distant grandson.  This was back when I was busy filming Original Sins of Salem…or wait…was it Punishment Pony?  Well, whatever…

“My mother was once married to my brother?”

“Well, yes, a half-brother actually.  He was born to my second wife, and much older than you.”

“Where’s he now?”

“He was a hell of a man, and a true patriot.  Enlisted in the Marines.  Unfortunately, his service put a great stress on his marriage, and the wife was sort of frail, and so things didn’t work out so well.

“They divorced?”

“Yes, that’s why you never knew him as your adoptive father.  But he remained strong and kept the course, until the end, in Afghanistan.

“He’s dead?”

“Yes.  Died a hero.  And like him, I’m proud to have you too for a son.”

“Thanks, Poppy.  You’ve always helped me a lot, and I appreciate you paying my tuition to USC.”

“It’s the least I can do for my own flesh and blood.  Especially after your adoptive mother fell under the spell of Krishna Merman’s books, which put all kinds of idiotic notions into her empty little head.  She moved to that Mermanite nudist commune in Maui where you grew up.  What was it called?”

“The Pineapple Patch.”

“I opposed her reckless and immoral decision, but I continued to send support payments even though it ran against every fiber in my being.  But I was truly shocked and saddened to get the news about that psychotic Samoan with the machete and what he did.”

I could hear Rufus sniffle.

“I know, lad, I know.  It was hard on me, too.  May God rest her freeloading, feminist, drug-addled soul.  But on the bright side, that’s why we have a death penalty, isn’t it?  An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.  It didn’t end so well for the Samoan, either.”

Rufus cried.

After your adoptive mother’s body was brutally hacked to pieces I set up a trust in your name and continued to send you money every month.  And I enrolled you in that military academy to deprogram you from the Mermanist doctrine of scavenging.  Then…I lost almost everything.”

The crying stopped.

“I don’t get it.”

“No, you don’t.  You see, the person you know as Karmi Boomrambis was once known as Matilda Renfro, a film studio bookkeeper who later ran a financial services business.  She was my personal assistant and bookkeeper and had me invested in one fraudulent scheme after another, all designed to enrich herself.  The bitch took advantage of me and skipped town.”

“She took all your money and ran?”

“Disappeared entirely without a trace and went underground.  But maybe the worst was the fact that she was the one who converted the mother who raised you to Mermanism.”

“She did?”

“Matilda was cutting the monthly support checks.  After time she became friendly with your adoptive mother.  And it was Matilda who later brainwashed your mother with the New Age drivel of guru Krishna Merman and his creed of parasitism.”

“Now you’ve got your enemy cornered.”

“Justice may have been delayed but it will not be denied.”

“Poppy, how come the monthly support checks stopped?”

“I mostly live on my residuals, and all that income now goes to fund the operations for Taxpayers Ignoring Tax Slavery.”

Rufus began to whimper again.

“For the love of God, grow up.  Think of it as your little contribution to our cause.”

The crying suddenly got louder.

“You know, Rufus, this place has been a dream of mine and our allies for a very long time.  Packing up our off-road vehicles, trucking in supplies, tents, generators, fencing, weapons, ammunition, communications equipment and a few good wines so we can get back to nature the way God and our Founding Fathers would want us to, without a lot of fuss, and, well, it just gives me a lot of pride and pleasure to be a small part of it.”

Rufus blew his nose.

“Think of it.  Here we can live as free men, exercising our constitutional right to bear arms and take all the liberties the spirit moves us to take, and we maintain the option to execute anyone who dares disagree with us.  That’s not so much to ask, is it?  And if it just so happens that we’ve moved next door to the one person in creation who I want to humiliate, annihilate and crush to powder beneath my feet, well, all the better.  Fate is mostly planning.  And never forget a grudge.”

“Poppy, I feel so dirty.  I can’t believe you used me and my connections to infiltrate the Karmi Boomrambis collective just so you could seek some kind of revenge.”

“I know, Rufus.  Sometimes, I can’t believe it either.  But buck up, lad, we have a cult to obliterate and scores to settle.  Sue my followers, will she?  We’ll see about that.  Nothing speaks louder than hot lead.  Call my lieutenants!  Call my dresser!  We attack at dawn!”

That was my signal to get the hell out.  I crept to the parked truck, but naturally, the keys was gone.  (Why, oh why, didn’t I take that seminar on hot-wiring last time I was at the Chino facility?)  I begun to duck, shadow to shadow, and run as fast as I could from the Remington fort, when from behind I heard the sound of beating hooves bearing down on me.  I ran harder, but I was no match for a galloping horse.

A hand reached down with an iron grip and pulled me up.  In a flash I was on a huge palomino horse, right behind Marshal Stern Bear, who whooped, “Hi-yo, Apollo!  Away!”